The begining of the end

Friday, November 30-

I had my monthly visit with my midwife at 1:00pm. Arrived, same routine as always. Check in, pee in cup, blood pressure, ask questions have questions answered. Then up on the table to hear the baby’s heartbeat, except at this visit my midwife could not find the baby’s heartbeat. The month before the moment she touched my belly with the doppler, there bean was, heart beating strong and healthy.

“Baby must be hiding today” she said. My heart sank. Because I knew that the baby was not hiding, I knew that the baby was gone. :( I had a feeling the entire pregnancy that things were not meant to be, but I pushed it out of my mind the best I could because I so wanted to just be able to chalk it all up to normal pregnancy anxiety.

Anyway, she continued to search my belly for a couple of minutes trying to find that beautiful sound, but there was nothing…

She went to get an ultrasound machine. I remember so clearly being there on that table, staring up at the ceiling and knowing what was coming next. I just wanted time to stand still, just for a while. I just wanted to pretend everything was ok for a little while longer.

When she came back into the room, she warned me that the machine was old and it might not show what we wanted to see, but hopefully it would. She put the jelly on my stomach, then the ultrasound wand, and immediately there was my sweet baby on the screen, completely still. I saw the chest, no little flicker of a heartbeat like I knew there should be. She continued to look, but I know she knew, and I knew, my baby was gone. I said “it isn’t good, is it?” She started tearing up and said that she just wasn’t seeing anything, but she wanted to send me to radiology where they could check with the newer machines. I so wanted to believe that there was some hope that she was right about the machine being old, maybe it just wasn’t strong enough to see, maybe my baby was so still because he was taking a nap, but I knew better.

It gets a little blurry at this point. There was shock, and crying; mine and theirs. I called Carl to tell him he needed to come to the hospital because they couldn’t find a heartbeat. When he arrived we went to radiology together and had the ultrasound. Nobody said much, and I couldn’t bring myself to look at the screen again. I just could not bear to see my baby floating there so still again. Done, ultrasound tech left the room without saying much.

We went back upstairs to meet with my midwife. She told us that the baby did not have a heartbeat, and was measuring around 15 weeks. My baby had been gone for 2 weeks.

After that is blurry again. Lots of crying and trying comfort me, then discussing my options. I needed to choose between going to a hospital about 45 minutes away to have a D&E, which would be a procedure to “remove” my pregnancy, or check in to the birthing center, have labor induced and give birth to my baby. Immediately my heart told me that I wanted to be able to give birth, but we went home to think it over.

The next day, after about 2 ½ hours of broken sleep, I called my midwife and told her I had decided I wanted to come in and be induced. She asked me what time I would like to come in, I said around 4, and then we waited…