Saturday, November 29, 2008

Wow, it's been a while!

I haven’t really felt up to posting here since the last time, I guess there wasn’t really the need. No new news or anything, and I’ve just been taking all the time I’ve needed to work on healing, so yeah…

It’s kind of a tough time of year. May was tough too, passing the due date and all, but it was tolerable. It’s a little more difficult now.

A year ago today I was pregnant. A year ago tomorrow, I was made aware that the baby inside of me no longer had a beating heart. And, well, anyone familiar with my story knows what comes next.

It’s crazy… a whole year. And here I am. My little one should be getting ready for her first Christmas! She’d be coming up on 7 months now. Things are sooooo different from how they were supposed to be in my mind, my hopes. But alas, such is life. Things often turn out vastly different from what we had hoped for.

I just wanted to update, and make it clear that I have not forgotten. I never will. Even though life goes on, and now I feel at peace with it, mostly, I still miss you every day, and wonder who you would have been.

Always in our hearts little one, we love you!

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Our baby... girl?

So it's taken me a little while to update this, but I've been a little but lazy :p And since I am still am a little lazy, I'm just going to copy and paste my post from MDC from when we found out that our little boy, was in fact, a girl!

I had my pp check with my midwife today. The good news is that all the bazillion tests they ran on me showed nothing. The baby's tests also showed nothing. It appears that maybe the placenta did not develop normally, as it was seemingly intact at delivery but I ended up with a d&c 2 weeks later and there was still A LOT of it in there. *shrug* We'll never know for sure, but I'm ok with not having a solid answer. I'm pretty confident that it was just one of those things, so I'm not going to drive myself crazy wondering. It is what it is and I'm at peace with it.

Now the really weird and unexpected part. This just made my head spin a little... Pathology showed that the baby was a girl! Did not see that one coming at all! There was what appeared to be a tiny penis on the baby, everyone thought it was a boy, so we named "him" and I formed a "relationship" connection, whatever you want to call it, with my little boy after the loss. Now come to find out he was a she so I'm feeling a little weird about that. It doesn't really change much I guess, but for the past 6+ weeks I've had the idea of my son in my head so yeah... it's strange now. I can't even really explain it. We're going to keep the name, because it belongs to our baby now regrardless... we'll just be super cutting edge and our little girl will have a new unisex name But anyway, it's been an odd one to say the least.

On a side note... It's funny, because my son talked about his little sister when I was pregnant with her, and then continued to do so even after we had the baby and told him the baby was a boy. He knew all along.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Amongst the stars

I miss being a human vessel
For a tiny treasure of flesh, blood, and spirit
I feel like most of my energy has been depleted
Since you went back home
And while I am trying to rebuild and refresh
It's hard without you to look forward to
It's hard to feel much other than simply defeated

I think about you all the time;
My tiny, beautiful baby
Who you were and who you would have been
I wish I could have seen
I wish we had more time
I am sorry that you could not stay

Though the thought of you is dear
It's cliché to say that you are in my heart
I'd prefer to think of you amongst the stars
Hopefully it is beautiful where you are
A far better place than here
But remember if you can, that you are missed and loved
In the place you left behind for the stars
In the place that was just not ready
For something as amazing as you.